My Ride or Die Beeoch, My Partner in Crime, My Person...

I can't believe I have never shared my bestie with the blogging world. I'm a terrible person. LOL Well, my BFF is the most amazing chick I have ever met. She is one of the only people that has always been down for me. And although we have put this friendship through more than anyone ever should, we have come out on top. The things this girl and I have seen and done over the last 19 years is incredible. Steph and I have all but walked away from each other more than once in this friendship, but somehow we have always found our way back to each other. This is how I know that she is my person. I think about how much she means to me almost daily, but it was not until she asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding last September, and I had to write my speech that I was able to put into words what she means to me. So, I thought I would share the words I had for her on the biggest day of her life. Some say it's a bit wordy, but if you know us, you'd understand that this speech doesn't even begin to cover what she means to me. Here it is:

Hellooooooooooo McEntee reception!!! Thank you all for being here to celebrate this amazing day with Steph and Joe. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Juli Crawford, the bride’s best friend!  I can’t believe I’m gonna share this with all of you…but, Steph and I just celebrated our friendiversary. HaHaHa. But yes, we celebrate the day we became friends every year! I know…I know we are weirdos...But wow 18 years! That’s right 18 crazy years! We have grown up together. Steph-Can you believe we have been friends since we were just scared little freshman in high school, it was freshman English to be exact. Steph and I reminisce often about how we met. It has kind of become a joke for us. It all started with a dumb girl running her mouth and spreading rumors and trying to create drama, which is a soooo unlike high school girls…Not! But who knew that that dumb girl would be the reason I found my lifelong partner in crime. And from that first phone call I knew that I wanted Steph to be my friend. Not just because she was beautiful, which she was, and as you all can see, she still is, or to make me popular like other friends I could have chosen, but because she showed me the real Stephanie, right away. And I knew that was special. In high school it’s not easy to let people see who you really are, but I saw her. It was in the eyes. Stephanie has always been who she wants to be, with no excuses or apologies. I strive to be like her more and more every day.

My mom told me when I was little to choose my friends wisely. So…that is exactly what I did. I got amazingly lucky with my best friend. Steph, you are intelligent, creative, beautiful, on the inside and out, unique and very kind. You are also stubborn, impulsive, sometimes frustrating, complicated…But…I would not have you any other way. To me, the best part about Stephanie is her incredible loyalty. And she is a girl with one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. She loves those important to her deeply and without question. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have watching my back. And I know this because our friendship has been tested, oh how it has been tested. Boyfriends, accidents, and breakups, emotional breakdowns, a brother, death and new life, too much time together and way too much time apart. …Steph and I have been through all of this…some things more than once. We have shared a lot of tears and some much more laughter. And look where we are today, still together and by far the strongest friends we have ever been. There are a lot of people that don’t understand our friendship or think the circumstances are weird, but we could't care less. Our friendship is very special because we have been through so much together. And it doesn’t matter if anyone understands it cuz we understand it.

Steph-Look girl, look around...we made it! And I think that’s pretty amazing. I don’t know where I’d be without you. I love the people we have become through the years and the lives we have chosen to live. Especially the man you have chosen…

Well Steph has always had an interesting taste in guys, to say the least. Which brings me to you Joe jk-But seriously though, My Steph deserves the best. And I would never settle for anything less. You know what I have always wanted for her??? True Happiness:

-a boy to brush the hair from her face-a boy to hold her hand at the store and make all the other girls jealous of what she has-someone who will join her when she bursts out into song at random moments (which she does quite often!)-a boy that will always stick up for her no matter what-someone that can gossip with her when I can’t-and just smile when she acts like…well…acts like Steph-a boy that will throw stuffed animals in her direction when she says something dumb, but then immediately kiss her a million times-Someone that will hug her and snuggle her as often as she needs it, and Joe, as you well know, that’s pretty often!!!-someone who will tell all his friends how much he loves her and smile while he does-a boy that can argue about silly things but then make up!-I want the boy that is going to count the stars with her-Someone that will tell her how beautiful she is...every single day-Someone that will make her laugh often, gosh I love to hear her laugh…So Joe, I just want to take a moment to thank you. Thank you for being all of these things to my best friend. And thank you for being so much more, every day. You have renewed her faith in true love. Thank you for that. But Joe, I need you to realize how much I'm giving up today.  Steph is the girl I was supposed to grow old next to, my ride or die, my other half, the Thelma to my Louise. But she chose true love instead of living the single life with me. So please take extra special care of her because she means the world to me!

Stephanie and Joe-You two have done something that in this day and age is so rare. You have given your hearts to each other…unconditionally. And that’s what true love really is. You two give me hope, and because of you guys I again believe in true love, I again believe in love at first sight, and I now believe that love can conquer all. That doesn’t mean there won’t be hard days or difficult things to deal with because there will be, but finding that one person makes it all so much  easier. So thank you both for the constant reminder that people don’t always suck. Let me leave you with a quote-Dante once wrote “Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise, like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore simply rise above the pain in the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team braced against the tempests of the world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held, promises made long ago in the sacred space in our hearts.

I love you guys! So, in the words of Steph’s mom that I heard so many times growing up “Juli, I think it’s time for you to go home now!!!” Cheers!

On My Way To A Healthier Day-Update 1

I made the decision for myself to get back to being healthy in Jan. Unfortunately the change didnt actually start until after a vacation I had planned the first week of Feb. But isn't the important thing that I got started...finally?! LOL As with everything else in my life, I choose to document this journey with photos. So here it is, this is how the first month has gone....I am down 2 sizes, and 23 lbs! And I feel amazing!

Is It A Struggle?

Most people have an inner struggle going on with the person they used to be (Ur Past), the person they are currently (Ur Present), and the person they want to become (Ur Future). I myself choose not to think of this journey we call LIFE as a struggle. I am who I am before, now, and in the future. And that is OK with me. I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I've made in the past and I have learned from every experience I've had. I accept the person I am currently and embrace it for all that it is. I look forward to all the experiences I will continue to have and the person I will choose to be in the future.  I am also attempting to live my life with an open mind and an open heart. I want to fully live and experience everything life has to offer me. Sooo many people live life with regrets, guilt, and fear. I no longer want to be that person. I start every day trying to push myself outside my comfort zone and put myself out there. This is no easy task for me. But I'm trying.

Lost and Found

The last few months have been very unsettled in my world. For those that don't know me, I am a stubborn girl that insists on learning lessons in life for myself. I have never been the person that can learn from other people's mistakes. And unfortunately sometimes I need to learn the same mistakes a few time before I truly take the wisdom of the lesson with me. I use the metaphor about a child touching a hot stove. You can tell a kid, " Don't touch the stove, it hot!!!" Most children can head your advice. But then there are the stubborn ones that just absolutely have to touch it for themselves. And guess what? It IS hot! And it burns. So that brings me to myself. I'm the kid that has to touch it 2 or 3 times to make sure it's really gonna burn me every time. LOL It is just who I am. I have always been this way. I seem to insist on learning everything the hard way. But I do believe it has made me who I am.

 Fast forward to the last few months. I got burned in many ways over the last 10 years in a very unhealthy relationship that made my world terribly chaotic. Can you believe it took me almost 10 years to really realize that this stove was hot and was gonna burn me every freakin' time?!?! Well, it did.

 For those that know me and/or have read my blog this is the same absusive relationship I blogged about quite a few years ago. So, I woke up one day after the gazillianth broken promise, or drunken insult, or whatever other abuse had happened the previous night and decided I'd had enough. After the last burn I finally found the courage to say enough is enough. It also finally became clear that the love I had once felt was gone, and it had been for quite some time now. So, I saved some money and I moved out of the apartment we were sharing. I decided to listen to my gut for once and finally do what was best for me, what I knew in the back of my mind was right all along. It was a very scary moment. It was actually a lot harder to be on my own than I thought. Its not that I missed him. But having to do things for myself, by myself proved to be a bigger challenge than I expected. I thought I was getting everything I needed and wanted when I left. I had never realized that along with being disfunctional, our relationship was codependent. And finally getting the freedom I craved came with an element of loneliness I have never felt before. I was lonely in a different way when I was with him. He was always physically around and in some level and for some strange reason I found a comfort in that. But I was definitely not having my emotional needs met. The physical loneliness I was feeling was very unexpected to me. It crept in like a thief in the night and took over. It gave me a heafty shove and I stumbled. I really lost myself for a while. I forgot who I was, or who I thought I was. I neglected myself and my whole life began to unravel. My job really suffered to the point of an ultimate breakdown with my bosses. It was extremely emotional. I haven't been that way in a long while. I guess I had been suppressing a lot of the hurt and anger from the last 10 years. I'm notorious for that. I look back now on that day in my bosses office. It was my breaking point. But, I can tell you it was the best thing that happened. I left that meeting broken...and yet mended. My entire world snapped back into focus. My attitude changed immediately and I am very grateful for it. The new perspective I got, as well as a much needed vacation has put me on the path to true happiness. Happiness within myself. I can now look back without resentment or anger and really take away the lessons the last 10 years has taught. I was so very lost...but I am now truly found. I have always seen others that seemed to have this level of happiness that I just didn't feel. I always considered myself a tortured soul. But, after all I have been through, this happiness and inner peace I feel now must be my reward for persevering.

What's Plaguing Me-The Conclusion

I am FINALLY back to being me! Thank the Lord. Can you believe that I had been having an allergic reaction to my beloved cat Shadow. Let me explain...I adopted shadow about a year ago from a friend that needed a good home for her. I instantly fell in love with this cat. She is the sweetest girl ever. But in my old apartment she never cane in my bedroom or slept with me. Well when I moved, she wanted to be in my bed and near me, all the time. She was literally not happy unless she was laying on me or right by my face. I started having all these crazy symptoms that I brushed off as the common cold. Well, the symptoms as I blogged previously, just kept getting worse. I ignored the symptoms so long, that it turned into terrible bronchospasms with an asthma attack type response.

I am glad to report, that after about 5 days on the 2 different allergy meds, Benadryl and Pepcid round the clock, I am cured! Woot! Woot! But poor shadow has been banned from sleeping with "mama" anymore. And she is kinda distraught about it. Poor baby...

What's Plaguing Me-Update

This terrible respiratory issue I've been having came to a head last night while I was at work. Thank goodness I work in the ER. But I am the worst patient ever. I don't like hospitals or doctors when I have to be the one in the gown that opens in the back. But my breathing got so bad that I had no choice. I decided 6 weeks of shortness of breath was enough. The good thing about getting checked out in the ER you work in is I got to hand pick my nurse and PA. So I was immediately more at ease knowing I got to choose them. I had a breathing treatment and a chest x-ray. The x-ray was clear thank goodness. And the breathing treatment made me breathe a lot better. But there was still no answer as to what us causing this. I'm hoping its just a reaction to some allergen. I am now doing different nebs at home and taking an allergy medicine. Here's hoping it gets better soon, cuz I got a carribean cruise to go on in 2 weeks. But as you can see in the picture my oxygen saturation is running quite low. FML

On My Way To A Healthier Day

I do a lot of my contemplation and self reflection in the car. I think that stems from the extended amounts of time I have spend in the car over the last few years. Driving 45 min one way to work will give a girl some serious time to soul search. Well today was no different. As I was driving, I was mulling over all the changes I have been wanted to make, but for one reason or another haven't yet. And I realized how different the last few months have been compared to...well the last 10 years of my life. I made a huge decision a few months ago that has jump started this massive change for me. But I will leave that sorted tale for another post...You're welcome. LOL I realized that 2016 is going to be a very different year. And I am so excited about it. So I have decided to stick to my goal of documenting my life here. 

I wanted to be able to look back at my journey. This post is the start of my journey back to a healthy me. I have really let stress, life and many other factors hinder my health, specifically letting myself get fat. It gas been quite a journey let me tell you. And I know it was a lot more fun to abuse my body, with all things bad for me then it will be to transition to a healthy lifestyle, but it needs to happen...badly. With the help and encouragement of a very dear friend, and after watching her journey to a healthier her I am inspired. So, I went out and bought some new shoes and workout gear, downloaded the MyFitnessPal app, got a gym membership and got rid of all the unhealthy food in my house. I know this is all just the beginning of making a real lifestyle change. Now my goal is not to be some body builder or ever be a size 2. I really juat want to be healthier. I will continue to post about all the good, the bad, and the ugly along the way. Stay tuned. 

And this ER nurse turned photog could not document anything without a few photos. So here I am! And of course 1 photo of all my new workout gear!