Lost and Found

The last few months have been very unsettled in my world. For those that don't know me, I am a stubborn girl that insists on learning lessons in life for myself. I have never been the person that can learn from other people's mistakes. And unfortunately sometimes I need to learn the same mistakes a few time before I truly take the wisdom of the lesson with me. I use the metaphor about a child touching a hot stove. You can tell a kid, " Don't touch the stove, it hot!!!" Most children can head your advice. But then there are the stubborn ones that just absolutely have to touch it for themselves. And guess what? It IS hot! And it burns. So that brings me to myself. I'm the kid that has to touch it 2 or 3 times to make sure it's really gonna burn me every time. LOL It is just who I am. I have always been this way. I seem to insist on learning everything the hard way. But I do believe it has made me who I am.

 Fast forward to the last few months. I got burned in many ways over the last 10 years in a very unhealthy relationship that made my world terribly chaotic. Can you believe it took me almost 10 years to really realize that this stove was hot and was gonna burn me every freakin' time?!?! Well, it did.

 For those that know me and/or have read my blog this is the same absusive relationship I blogged about quite a few years ago. So, I woke up one day after the gazillianth broken promise, or drunken insult, or whatever other abuse had happened the previous night and decided I'd had enough. After the last burn I finally found the courage to say enough is enough. It also finally became clear that the love I had once felt was gone, and it had been for quite some time now. So, I saved some money and I moved out of the apartment we were sharing. I decided to listen to my gut for once and finally do what was best for me, what I knew in the back of my mind was right all along. It was a very scary moment. It was actually a lot harder to be on my own than I thought. Its not that I missed him. But having to do things for myself, by myself proved to be a bigger challenge than I expected. I thought I was getting everything I needed and wanted when I left. I had never realized that along with being disfunctional, our relationship was codependent. And finally getting the freedom I craved came with an element of loneliness I have never felt before. I was lonely in a different way when I was with him. He was always physically around and in some level and for some strange reason I found a comfort in that. But I was definitely not having my emotional needs met. The physical loneliness I was feeling was very unexpected to me. It crept in like a thief in the night and took over. It gave me a heafty shove and I stumbled. I really lost myself for a while. I forgot who I was, or who I thought I was. I neglected myself and my whole life began to unravel. My job really suffered to the point of an ultimate breakdown with my bosses. It was extremely emotional. I haven't been that way in a long while. I guess I had been suppressing a lot of the hurt and anger from the last 10 years. I'm notorious for that. I look back now on that day in my bosses office. It was my breaking point. But, I can tell you it was the best thing that happened. I left that meeting broken...and yet mended. My entire world snapped back into focus. My attitude changed immediately and I am very grateful for it. The new perspective I got, as well as a much needed vacation has put me on the path to true happiness. Happiness within myself. I can now look back without resentment or anger and really take away the lessons the last 10 years has taught. I was so very lost...but I am now truly found. I have always seen others that seemed to have this level of happiness that I just didn't feel. I always considered myself a tortured soul. But, after all I have been through, this happiness and inner peace I feel now must be my reward for persevering.