Searching For Inner Peace...The Struggle Continues.

 I recently blogged about abuse and the effects it has on everyone involved. Now as I try to work through the pain and other multitude of emotions encompassed in the past few years of my life, I am starting to really feel everything I have been suppressing and keeping hidden. I was involved in the most emotionally charged relationship of my life for over 5 years. There was love and hate, passion and grief, and much more all wrapped up in the what can only be described as the most influential part of my 28 years of life. I will never be the same. The relationship has ended but the emotions as most people know...linger on.

Addiction is a terrible life altering destructive part of so many people's lives. As I deal with the aftermath of the way my life has been changed by loving an addict, I am overcome with so many thoughts and emotions. My first thought is how angry I am. I am angry that alcohol caused the person I wanted to spend my life with to treat me like a hated enemy. I think I hate his addiction more than anything else, but the hate became part of the resentment that caused the fracture in my love for him. Then my anger quickly gives way to fear. I, for the last 5 years have lived in fear. I was and am constantly afraid. I was afraid for him. I was sooo fearful that something bad was going to happen. And as time went on I became afraid for myself. The alcohol had taken such a strong hold on his soul that he was no longer the man that I knew and loved. Now that he is gone and I realize I can no longer talk to him I am empty. And that scares me to death. I am afraid to be without him. It took me over 5 years to come to terms with the fact that I could not love him into sobriety and that despite my selfish needs and love for him, I had to walk away for his own good.

And that is where I am currently. I in the entirely of our relationship never turned my back on him. I loved and supported him when there was no one else around for us. But in the end I had to tell the biggest lie of my life...I told him I didn't love him anymore and that I no longer wanted to be a part of our relationship. And for the first time, I walked away, turned my back, and left him with no options. So with the help of his family he made the best choice of his life. He decided to go and get help. He checked into inpatient rehab. I am very happy that he is making good choices. But then my mind goes to the fact that it took me leaving for him to decide to get sober. Why wasn't I enough?

And then my emotional struggle really began. I started thinking that maybe I held him back from being the man I always knew he was, and that makes my heart ache. I made the hardest choice I have ever had to make when I chose to leave and turn my back on the only love I've known for alot of my post college adult life. And now he is becoming the man I have always begged him to be. I struggle to come to terms with the disappointment and grief of losing him. And that the only thing that pushed him to want to get himself better was me leaving. That tears at my soul. Then my guilt gets the best of me. Gosh, how selfish could you be Julianne?! The man you love was/is struggling for his life, and all you can think about is yourself...Every day I have new thoughts and new emotions that I myself must work through and come to terms with...So my journey to inner peace continues...